If You Lack Commitment, it’s Not Your ‘FAULT’
Question: why would you commit to doing something you don’t, deep down, want to do? Yes, in 400 words or so, I’m going to show you that it’s not about the symptom (commitment issues), but the source (what’s really true for me about this?)…
About Commitment Issues and You!
Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability
to choose – and commit myself to – what is best for me.
– Paulo Coelho
Commitment Issues: Putting the cart before the horse!
I am a big fan of commitment, I really am.
- It makes relationships much more fun
- You get so much more done at work
- Life, itself, is so much more satisyfing
So, I am a big fan of commitment, I really am. Until I’m not…
You see, I think all the self-help gurus have got it wrong, here, when it comes to commitment (or so-called ‘commitment issues’). I think the relationship advice is bad advice regarding so-called fear of commitment. I think all commitment advice, even the advice we give to ourselves in the form of a gentle (or not-so-gentle) pep-talk, is mis-guided!
We’re all putting the cart before the horse, here!
Commitment is simply a sign that you’re doing the right thing! Repeat: commitment is a sign that you’re doing the right thing.
So not having commitment means, somewhere inside of you there’s a force or a guide – and I’ll dare to call this force intuition – that’s not so sure that this is the thing for you to to do right now.
Hence pause… hesitation… uncertainty (a.k.a. fear of commitment!).
A ‘Commitment Issue’ is a ‘Sign’, That’s All
…Here’s the thing: you’re just not sure!
So why would you now, by way of self-help mantra, force yourself to do this thing, force yourself to be committed to it, when you’re not sure?
Why wouldn’t you listen, instead, to this faltering inside of you, and be curious about its meaning?
What would it ‘mean’ about you if you faltered? (And where do these meanings come from? Are they true?)
So, ignoring our inner wisdom, not listening to our bodies or the deep un-pressuring voice inside of us, and going forwards anyway – “fear of commitment” is what it’s called, and it shames many into actions we later regret.
There is no such thing as fear of commitment, I say, just a feeling that tells us what we want and do not want to do. In the moment. And the feeling might pass, or it might not.
For now, then, I leave you with these thoughts:
- Commitment to some action (or person) is your measure of ‘rightness’ (a wiseness of action) in the moment
- Conversely, not wanting to commit is your measure of ‘wrongness’ in the moment
To force yourself to be committed, when you quite simply are not sure, IS to put the cart before the horse, then.
Instead, listen to your wisdom and understand that commitment is a kind of guiding barometer for your life, in the moment. It’s merely reporting back on what you really feel about the situation, not what you should feel about it.
Do you see that? I hope so…
Commitment Issues – a 3 Minute Heroes Video
Here’s what came to me as I shared my thoughts on Commitment Issues during a 3 Minute Heroes video I recorded in December, 2014:
(Apologies for the poor sound quality. I recorded these 3 minute heroes videos in December – one video per day – and “committed” myself to getting the videos recorded, rather than to creating a perfect offering.)
A Coaching Conversation Might Help
Reading blog posts is good. Watching videos is good, too. But sometimes having a meaningful conversation about the issue you're experiencing is best. To experience a transformative coaching conversation where you get to ask YOUR questions, and to experience YOUR insights. Well, I can help you with that...