Or, Why Validation is an Inside Job!
To feel valued, appreciated, accepted, recognised or ‘seen’. This is the not-so-trivial meaning of ‘validated’. And even though I have looked for this validation on the outside of me for much of my life (see below), this is not where real validation is to be found…
[Last updated: June, 2016 – post summary]
(Do YA) Got Validation?
Not sure if you’ve watched that Validation video on YouTube – 9 million plus people have, but you might not be one of them! – y’know that magical video where a wonderful man actually validates people as they validate their parking ticket.
The blurb on YouTube says that it’s “a fable about the magic of free parking”, but I prefer to think of this video as a sneak peak into the heart and soul of each and every one of us living and breathing today…
Yes, I’m going to share (as briefly as I’m able) one of the not-so-pretty facets of human life we all seem to accept and that’s our need for validation, and what lengths we go to get it.
I’ll make reading it easy for you, though, and make it personal to me – i.e. I’ll share 3 unhelpful ways that I myself ‘seek’ validation, let myself be guided by fear. Then I’ll talk about a much more powerful way do to life – to be guided by love!
I’ll be quick, honest. You’ll feel nothing. And, yes, that is what the actress said to the bishop (or was it the other way round?).
But before we get into the grizzly (for me) details, there’s something I’d like to say to you:
“You are great, [Insert Your Name Here], you are amazing!
Yes, I DO mean you, I do!”
How Steve Looks for Validation on the Outside
So this is how sometimes get stuck in my head, when I could be lost in the moment, this is how I do validation:
Steve’s Validation #1: WOMEN!
Oh boy, I love it when women find me attractive!
Be they women friends, women strangers, or even ‘my woman’.
I love being ‘recognised’ like this, but I need it far too much – it’s almost addictive, this need to be ‘valued’ like this, and it takes me out of the moment and into my head! Sheesh!
Steve’s Validation #2: SEX!
Oh boy oh boy, I love it (can you imagine!) when my woman thinks I’m incredible in bed. (Or your woman, even!)
It’s so ‘empowering’ to be experienced this way – but so pressurising too, when you’re not.
Isn’t sex just meant to be fun? Isn’t this just about love? “Sheesh, Steve!”
Steve’s Validation #3: “WISDOM”
Ohhhhh, this one’s a doozy! The one where Steve speaks and the listener goes “Ahh, that’s so helpful, Steve, you’re so wise!” – he likes, he likes that a lot.
He almost gets off in it, that Steve does – sheesh!
And this lack of humility, this thinking about myself, is for what! For what? Just call me Steve M Sheesh from now on, eh!
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But Validation is an Inside (Out) Job, Steve!
What is being validated up above, clearly, is my ego – no more, no less!
- An ego that is not Who I Am. (An ego that is fear, when I am Love.)
- An ego that does all it can to try and control the outside world (events, people, circumstances), just so it can feel itself, if only for a moment.
- An ego that knows no better than this.
But I do know better – at least now I do, anyway.
Yes, now I know that what is inside of me (and inside of you, too) is a love so powerful, so guiding, so holding of any good or bad state that I find myself in, that I no longer need to be driven by validation, by fear – I can be guided into the unknown, instead, by inner wisdom, love.
Because whatever happens, and I mean whatever, I know I am okay.
How Do YOU ‘Do’ Validation, Then?
By the way, I picked my 3 biggest ‘blind spots’ up above – the 3 areas of how I usually do ‘life’ from the Outside In!
But do you notice how (validation from) WORK isn’t one of my blind spots, or how I don’t look to ‘SUCCESS’, or ‘MONEY’?
Yeah, I’ve more or less made peace with these potential ‘inner demons’; I don’t seek validation there (or so I believe, anyway!). I guide my life in these areas via the wisdom that comes from silence, instead, or an empty mind, or simply by listening to my ‘gut instincts’.
But how about you? Yeah, where do you try to get validation from others in your life? (Whisper it to me, I won’t tell – promise!) Chances are you have your own blind spots, your own knee-jerk ways of operating in the world that do not serve you.
Yes, and I’d like you to hum that Rolling Stones song called Satisfaction in your head for a moment or two (got it?), before I tell you this next fact of your life…
“You Don’t Need No Validation!”
Seriously, you don’t need no validation, you don’t need no satisfaction.
Fact is that there are areas in your life right now when you just trust yourself, when you ignore the needs of your ego completely, when you ‘let go’ and see what happens – and because you can trust yourself here, you can trust yourself in ALL parts of your life.
It’s called a virtuous cycle.
You see you can get by over here, so you start to realise you can get by over there, too. (It’s the opposite of the far more common vicious cycle: you cock up over there, and think about that so much that you cock up over here too. And down you go!)…
It’s all about conciousness, awareness, noticing. You start to pay attention, to notice; you’re okay with what you notice; you notice you don’t that anymore.
Yep, your consciousness increases and then it simply doesn’t occur to you to do it that way again, to be driven by your ego! (Yay!)
It all comes from awareness, from noticing.
And noticing comes to us all in many forms, some of which I’ll bullet point below:
- Noticing you’re being driven by your ego comes from having a ‘bad feeling’ inside of you that you’ll do anything to make go away
- Noticing comes from what others say about you – from feedback, from ‘criticisms’
- Noticing comes when you just slow down… and notice