Answer: Just Surrender (and Trust)

Question: How Do You Exert Control In Life?

Can you ever be in control of life? If you answered ‘yes’ – how’s that going for you, then? If you answered ‘no’ – who is in control, then? Whatever your answer – and even if you don’t have one – keep on reading as I suggest to a coaching client that all they need do to control life is ‘just surrender’…

[Last updated: July, 2016 – post summary]

Just Surrender: Inspirational quote about the unknown | street going into distance


Just Surrender: A Transformative Coaching Question & Answer

There comes a point in any ongoing Inside-Out conversation – a deepening of your understanding of The Three Principles (an understanding of yourself), and what that means for your life – when the listener (student/client) starts to wonder, “If the answer lies in the unknown how do I control my life?”

Because, as I’d shared with my client, the Inside-Out understanding points to an answer that comes from the formless (not the form); the feeling (not the behaviour); the unknown (not the known).

So reprinted below – with full permission of the client, and verbatim (it’s not about perfect answers here) – is my emailed answer to a client’s question, and his response.


Question: How Do You Exert Control In Life? Answer…

So here is emailed answer to this question of ‘exerting control’ in life. Answer: you just surrender, and trust…

Email Subject: How do you exert control?

Hi Lik

So I’ve been giving a little thought to the subject of control – what control over our lives do we have, how do we exert control, and even do we have free will? – as you mentioned it in our very lovely coaching conversation yesterday.

I could’ve simply replied to you, with some thoughts in the moment, but felt it more important to continue with where our conversation was going, thought I’d easily be able to email you an ‘answer’ later.

And I could, easily, email you an answer right now, if I put some thought into it. But, but I would be sharing words with you that you would read and try and make sense of. The fact is, when you are feeling spacious and relaxed, as you have been in this last week and as you were in our coaching call, you simply do not need to know answers to questions like this.

Do you see that?

So I trust life as I encourage you to. Do I know the reason why, exactly, do I have a 10-point plan (or proof) that tells me why I’m right to trust life. No. I just trust life, I just trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to do; I just trust that this is the best way to live.

So, how do you control your experience of life, of what happens in it? How do you achieve your goals?

Well, paradoxically, you let go of wanting to contol, that’s how. You let go of the questions, of needing to know answers.

And you trust. You trust the feeling, the space, the relaxedness of life.

And this is hard to do if it’s hard to do. And it’s the easiest thing in the world to do once it simply makes sense.

And, for me, it makes sense. It makes sense to trust, to get out of the way, and to see what comes next.



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And this is the rather wonderful client reply I got the next day (reprinted with permission) – sent to me ‘in the moment’…


Re: How do you exert control?

Hi Steve,

thank you for a detailed answer 🙂

It occurs to me that as we go through life with this deep feeling, our wisdom offers us words, actions, ideas – and we are either accepting these offers or ignoring them. And at times, we get lost in thought and it seems to us that we can actually define and control the path…

In some way, it is like the road network. When we follow a motorway, there is its own direction, and from time to time there are exits, turns to other roads, to certain destinations. We are always free to take an exit, or continue moving with the motorway. But the understanding of “control” and “full responsibility for own life” is more like taking a compass and attempting to go the straight line to the desired destination. The world simply hasn’t been designed that way.

I don’t know if it makes any sense, if it is relevant to the topic at all… It is how I see it in the moment. I haven’t laid out this motorway, and I don’t have a map, but it seems to me that if I trust this inner stillness, I will know, I will feel the right exit. And until then, I can relax, notice beautiful things in the scenery and enjoy the ride 🙂

Looking forward to talking to you next week!

Enjoy! 😉
– – – –
Lik Fenix



SUMMARY: How Do You Exert Control in Life?

Sometimes it goes your way, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes your efforts are rewarded, sometimes they’re not. Sometimes the plan works, sometimes it doesn’t. What comes next can be anticipated, of course, and planned for, but it can never be guaranteed.

This is obvious, whether you have a grasp of the Inside-Out understanding of the human experience or you don’t.

Life is essentially a continuous formless-into-form transformation that cannot be controlled – just as what you think next cannot be controlled.

You cannot control life. You can just show up and respond to what shows up. And know that, whatever happens, you are okay.


JUST SURRENDER: Some Next Steps To Take…

‘Surrendering’, ‘letting go’, ‘being present’ – these are all states of being that pretty much elude the intellect. To just surrender, then, is to go an unknown place, to let go of all that seems necessary to hold onto.

How do you just surrender? You stop holding on.
– Paraphrasing Michael A Singer in his book, The Untethered Soul

Or, surrendering comes (naturally) from understanding…

Surrender Yourself To An EASIER LIFE!...

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